National Treasure - Andrew Williams

I've followed Whaleoil's expose on the short man, Mad Mayor Andrew Williams and found it side-splittingly funny. I haven't commented until now because, well Whaleoil is doing such a good job winding him up.



If the man is NOT drinking that late at night (and we have to give him the benefit of the doubt that he isn't and is just an insomniac), then he is just utterly crazy....I love it. It is pretty hard to hate a man who is just THIS crazy. It also makes him understandably very fun to deal with, as Whaleoil is entertaining himself greatly.

I also love this comment from a woman who I shall not name, on Whaleoil's facebook page.

"He can call me at 3:00 am. I'm usually up and he's cute"

His latest reported text to Bob Parker in Christchurch makes up for all the others:

On July 27, Williams sent a cellphone email to Christchurch Mayor Bob Parker just after midnight after dining with friends in the city. In the email, Williams said he and his party were "most disappointed with Christchurch tonight".

After attending a function in the city, his group went looking for a restaurant, but Williams told Parker "your city was dead as a duck".

So not only is Andrew Williams now a sex symbol, he's a champion for fighting the forces of Canterbury.

If New Zealand can allow Tim Shadbolt as Mayor, surely when he is dumped in North Shore, someone of Williams' character and personality can go fund a niche in a small New Zealand town being Mayor of "somewhere".

Just nowhere important please!

McCartney Ruins X Factor

I don't know what Simon Cowell was thinking inviting Sir Paul McCartney to perform not one but two songs on the final of X Factor.



Age 67, that's right, he's sixty fucking seven (and handicapped by wasted years with Heather Mills), McCartney comes on stage and craps all over the commercialised nonsense of X Factor.

He's old enough to be the winner Joe McElderry's grandfather. That's right, grandfather. But the old man gets up, performs and reminds us all why X Factor is crap.

I hate McCartney's politics and his limp wristed pinko approach to life, and that he doesn't eat meat but hats off he still is the greatest solo act in the world. His concerts are still the best value in town despite his gramps status. He's on stage almost twice the length of these new-age jumping strutting lip synching twits.

I'm sick of Joe McElderry already. His only claim to fame is showing more love to Cheryl Cole than she gets at home from Cashley.

"The Climb" is a ghastly Disney commercialised piece of dog turd. Give me a rehash of the worst McCartney song anyday. And gramps singing it.

No one cares?

Well no one will care about cute little wide-wyed Joe in a few years. McCartney most likely will still be blasting out hit after hit.

Ragers Guide

Christmas time. You are a cheap target.

1. Be careful drink driving. Get a taxi.
2. Don't do drugs in clubs or bars. Undercover cops everywhere, even on the toilets.
3. Don't get drunk in public. Dirty men and undercover cops everywhere.

Not really into going out from now until Christmas time for these reasons. Moreso in New Zealand and Australia where the Police are turning the ragers into roadkill and going after anything having fun.

During the blitz - which began at 6pm on Friday and ended 6pm Sunday - police across Australia and New Zealand deployed 9715 officers, made 2785 arrests, recorded 567 assaults and recorded 1281 licensing breaches.

Hot - private parties with private drop offs and pick ups.

Where's Ricardo?

The Noz's webpage. The A List is a bit light this week. He must have been Tyra Banks hunting.

Where else would Ricardo be this week? But the races. After all he is known for organising on Boxing Day similar events at Bracu through his company One Agency. Also responsible I see for the promotion of Aqualine - the Princes Wharf Nourish bars.

And in an exclusive, Norrie has managed to get Ricardo SMILING. First such shot in living memory, the man has TEETH, good teeth. Gone also are the dark circles of Mr Hung-Over and the darker looks of Goth in pictures. Gone by the looks are the binge drinking "42" days - De Bretts 4 shot of vodka and double splice of lime's. Illegal serve these days thanks to the alcohol police. Sunglasses still on the head, but only Bob Jones seems to have a massive problem with that in New Zealand.

After last weeks second CKWI (Cactus Kate Wardrobe Incident) where Noz spotted Ricardo in the same outfit two times during the week. Here he is delicately dressed in a classic go-to-the races ensemble, Ricardo curiously sports chains that appear to be holding down the waistcoat garment to give it length and form over his rapidly decreasing waistline. That or it could be just holding his house keys so he can get home when paralytic later. I am sure in fashion there is a word for "chains off your waistcoat", but I'm a fashion neanderthal and don't know all the "cool kids" words.

Anyway Teethy Smiling Ricardo just looks so much BETTER. Another tick for firsts on Asian Invasion this year then, due to constant media scrutiny, we got the Party Prince to SMILE!!

Which leads me to the SkyCity ITOC soiree and an inspired party theme. Shirtless hotties. Yum and well done to the Mum below for copping a good feel (next time Dear rest your hands on their dented "love handles"). Shame about the West Auckland jandals boys.

If a girl could get one of those under a Christmas tree then the belief in Santa may just return.

Apart from Teethy Smiling Ricardo there were no hotties on show this week. So I am going to put up the most curiously dodgy photo of the week, World Cup Rugby CEO and former New Zealand Cricket bowler (who filled in to bore the batsmen out when Richard Hadlee needed a rest from bowling) - Martin Snedden.

Smells Worse Than A проститутка

проститутка is the Russian term for prostitute.



Today the Sunday Star Times presented a "kiss and tell" of Rosa Kimpton who has outed herself as the $10,000 a month woman and in doing so has behaved in a fashion not fit to be compared to a hooker. I previously outlined the disgrace of this case.

New Zealand women don't do "kiss and tells". First, unlike the UK or US, there is no money in it and second, it's just not the done thing to do in the Remuera type social set. Set on the back of Tiger Woods' trail of million dollar a time destruction, Rosa Kimpton just looks pathetic.

The difference between Mrs Kimpton and a hooker is that the hooker has the good grace and manners to root and leave after receiving payment and her job is done. Mrs Kimpton, like the dead fish she presents as, is hanging round like a bad rotting smell.

The joke is on the silly корова (cow), as Mr Kimpton seems to be the victim of the recession and is hold up living with a former wife. Why wouldn't he? He would have paid for the house. Mr Kimpton if he had any sense as a businessman has neatly tucked his money during one of those European visits, in an untraceable bank account, while Mrs Kimpton was out buying chinchilla coats and Italian shoes on his Centurion Card or her Visa Platinum.

During the day I received an email outlining briefly the CV of Mrs Kimpton. She left Russia to marry an Australian. She took him for every dollar she could then moved to Auckland to woo a friend of the email author. He fancied her, much to the author's horror, however was dumped with quite glorious words "Rosa you're just too expensive". She moved on eventually to David Kimpton.

Wonder if this evidence was put before the Justice Heath.

Such recidivist offending doesn't deserve encouragement.

Now I will be quick to add that I have met some wonderful Russian women in Auckland who would make fabulous adoring wives and genuinely care about their men. So lets not blanket the whole with the bad behaviour of a few. But in every instance I know of with men who have had a taste of Russian, the women are frightfully difficult to get rid of when the men have had enough.

I don't blame Mr Kimpton for leaving a note in the letterbox. I have heard stories of violence, gang intimidation and visits from Russia by brothers and uncles on the doorstep of men who seek to split from these girls. They are vicious. They defend their meal tickets with venom.

"[Rosa] is entitled to maintain her previous lifestyle, in the immediate future, while she takes time to re-establish herself financially and take responsibility for her own financial situation," Justice Heath's November 20 judgement says.

In other words, when Rosa Kimpton finds herself another meal ticket.

At 49 years old and with now a public reputation for worse than проститутка like behaviour, she will not find this easy. Her career of living off men may well be over. She was reportedly on $120,000 a year in credit card bills and $46,000 in clothing allowances. That's an after tax (rent free) disposable spend of $166,000. Should have put away some of those credit card bills in assets I would think......something more liquid and appreciating like diamonds, gold or art.

More staggering was that SST reveals the couple were married just three years, hence her lifestyle could hardly be seen as needing to be "maintained". She also seems to have delusions about her own age and butter wouldn't melt in her mouth when explaining the difference between love and money. The gap between the two is only 15 years. Which is nothing at age 49 (wonder how many times she has turned 49) and 64.

"Because of his age I had concerns. I had never in my life been with a man that was so much older than me.

If Mr Kimpton is actually broke it raises the interesting point - could those who he owes money to go after Rosa Kimpton's $10,000 a month as well? "For richer or poorer" must surely make her liable for his debts in the marriage as well.

Lets not even start on Mrs Kimpton's tell all breaching any court order placed on the case remaining private.

Either way, party is over for her. She may be looking for a new town to rip men off in after this episode. Surely warning posters should be erected all over the Viaduct, Parnell and Ponsonby such that all men scamper for cover on sight.

* Roarprawn has started her week of grovelling apology for last weeks impugning of mine and Mr Mallard's character, with her unique take on the silliness of spousal maintenance.

Plunket An Internet Sensation*

Nomination for New Zealand blogging gag of the year

Just has to be "Sean Makes Crafts". A satire on the play that RNZ employers directed that Plunket could not write a political column but could write one presumably about say, crafts.

The Kim Hill pasta angel is a highlight.

As is the candle-dipping

So many people say to me, “Sean, as a well paid and high profile morning radio journalist, isn’t it just as easy, if not quicker,for you to just go down to the Red Shed and buy some pre-decorated candles?”

To which I reply:

“You’re missing the bloody point.”

The biggest highlight is the silly gullible duffers who think Plunket's actually writing the blog in the middle of an employment dispute that he hopes to eventually win. Duh.

All I can say to the author is if you are not going to out yourself then keep going. It has built in several days somewhat of a cult following.

* Inspired by legendary Jock Anderson NBR "subscriber only" headline style

Cactus Endorses Fraudster*

An eagle eyed Trade Me junkie sent this in to me. Just to rub one's nose in my past.

In my defence at the time I was a University student and did research for Simon Carr on the book and this was his way of attempting to make the book part of the school curriculum so raising sales.

In return I got to sit quietly in the corner, sink good quality piss and watch him write book after book, which I think to this day was still a good swap.

But lesson learned and last time I write a recommendation for a criminal!

* Inspired by legendary Jock Anderson NBR "subscriber only" headline style

Pansy Is All Wong*

Pansy Wong is wrong



Why replace a Labour led government with a National led one when you have utter silly nonsense dribbling out from the margins such as Pansy Wong?

Seriously, Pansy Wong is an atrocious MP at the best of times. If she was a European woman you would call her a blonde bimbo. Her CV is littered (like a Treaty Gravy train Maori MP's) with appointments and accomplishments based on race than any achievement based on talent. Good lord if she worked in Hong Kong she would be a paper shuffler type who never made a decision and stayed at work til 10pm to catchup on work they took too long to do and to impress the Boss.

She is an utter lightweight in every sense of the word. An appointment that the Opposition have nothing to fear from. Apart from screwing over a friend of mine who ran her campaign to the extent of not even paying her cellphone bills that were owing, Pansy is a crap MP. Yes, Nikki Kaye in Auckland Central was a far better bet. Nikki is young, inexperienced and naive. You can grow out of that. Pansy is old, experienced and still as slow as a mentally challenged snail.

So it didn't surprise me she was given a portfolio that needs to be gotten rid of - Women's Affairs. If her job is to discredit it with incompetence so even the pinkos want to get rid of it, she is perhaps succeeding and John Key is a management genius for gifting her the portfolio.

Pansy writes what can only be deemed a begging letter to the CEO's and Chairs of NZX listed companies pleading for them to take on more women. Why?

And she has written to every NZSX 100 chief executive and chairperson - a mailout, she notes wryly, that included just four female names.

She is focusing on women directors rather than women in senior management because it is the board that sets the direction for a company. However, given half a chance she will "push the other buttons" as well.

Pansy either does not actually know or forgets who ultimately chooses the directors - the shareholders.

Companies must be encouraged to tap into non-traditional networks such as the Ministry of Women's Affairs' nomination service which has a database of 2000 women.

So there are 2000 women out there sitting in a database too bloody pathetic to get off their own backsides and put their own names forward for directorships and pitch their talent to shareholders? I find this too ridiculous to believe.

Pansy's begging letter approach will only make it harder for genuinely talented female candidates who will now be tainted with the "token chick" brush regardless of how good they are. The same way we view token Maori appointments to Boards, Councils and the like we will now view women if Pansy has her way.

If Pansy had any gumption and credibility her campaign would be to get more women to own shares than sit on Boards with director responsibility. Then these women could make the choice whether a woman was good enough to sit on a Board.

Personally I don't care how many women are actual company directors. I am far more open to ideas of how to get women to invest and own companies than be a servant to male shareholders and fund managers.

And there is a simple way to start to get women to invest in shares in addition to Speedo Weldon and Plane Jane Diplock sorting the NZX out - increase their disposable incomes available for investing, by cutting taxes and neutralising taxation effects comparative to other investments.

* Inspired by legendary Jock Anderson NBR "subscriber only" headline style

I Have Not Had Sexual Relations With Trevor Mallard*

Roarprawn has been baiting me all week. Her latest is to mischievously accuse Labour MP Trevor Mallard of having the hots for me. She then even alludes to a possible visit to Hong Kong by Trevor. All over a comment allegedly made in the House today:

Today in the House during Question Time in an exchange between Cunliffe and Joyce., in a total random outburst Mallard was heard to shout out this reference to the spiny spinster: " What did Cactus Kate say about it!" It was noticed, it drew gasps of shock. Others were stunned.

Tau Henare knows all well what happens when he calls a woman's name out in the House in Mallard's direction. So it is interesting when faced with such scurrilous rumours, how to respond. The same problem was recently visited on Tiger Woods. He was as guilty as sin. I on the other hand, while guilty of plenty of things, am completely innocent of the alleged and inferred crime and haven't at any point even tried to hit on said Mallard. All things aside, the daughter is just a few years younger than I am and is a rather large fit unit of strength training, propping for the Black Ferns. She could snap any of my limbs with one hand.

I have never been alone in a room with Trevor Mallard {insert new allegations of Group sex}. You can see how quickly the issues compound if you stuff up your approach. Public and Media Relations experts all over the world can't really give you a playbook on the matter other than to make it up as they go along.

Clearing the matter up further, how do you respond?

1. Silence.

After such a public and large goading by Wellington lunch Queen, Busted Blonde, this naturally leads to allegations that you are silent because it is true so you are doing the whole Mark Todd strategic play. Hoping it will go away. As Tiger proved, it doesn't.

2. Strenuous Denial

This leads to allegations that you are protesting too much. This was the issue with Woods' first and best looking mistress. She started to deny the rumours.

3. Apology

We have seen plenty of that in Tiger Woods' case and it hasn't stemmed the flow. Most recently a bizarre apology from one of his harem of cocktail waitress types - Jaimee Grubbs. Bizarre as it was never going to help.

"I couldn't describe how remorseful that I am to have hurt her family and her emotionally."

Grubbs, 24, who says she got intimate with the golfer 20 times over about three years, said: "If it wasn't me, it was going to be other girls.

"I did care about him - I didn't do it for superficial reasons. I didn't do it to purposely hurt her."

None of the above makes the situation better. None of it makes Grubbs look any better. Her better options were 1 and 2. Especially when she wants us to believe that she was the only person on the face of the earth who didn't know the most recognisable face in sports, was actually married.

4. Threaten lawyers

Tiger Woods' minders did this for years. The "Hanover" tactic tends to work. So on behalf of Trevor and myself I solemnly pledge to sue the underwear off anyone who spreads these rumours in a public fashion.

Nothing really works that well as these things tend to carry. For example if you believe the whispers, Trevor has visited the Cook Islands. I work from there and visit frequently. He was also in London recently. If he flew Air New Zealand, like any loyal NZ MP should where possible it is conceivable he did stop in Hong Kong. And he went on record that he didn't take his girlfriend.

Forgetting that it would take two willing participants, Mallard knows that being caught in a compromising position with myself would lead to Clare Curran blogging her tears, definitely end Mallard's career and lead to an expulsion from the Labour Party with all associated perks. Just because it was me.

.............hmmmm.................

Update: Trevor has responded to put context into the comment (thank heavens for that)

"Just for the record Kate. I was referring to your reference to Steven's hairdresser which has become shorthand for his veracity or lack thereof. Trevor."

Clearly too subtle for the commentators!

* Inspired by legendary Jock Anderson NBR "subscriber only" headline style

Trotter Calls Asia "Radical"*

In Praise of Radicalism

Chris Trotter has the middle-age itch. He's getting so very sick of the Labour and the "left". It is starting to seep through his writing. His revolution back to the centre of the far left is harvesting fruit.



He's turning blue.

It's a shame no one reads him in The Independent. As I've pointed out before with a weekly circulation of just 3,736, in less than two days I have more unique visitors to this blog and I write it all myself with no staff.

In a very selective cut/paste from my extensive post on 2025 - Be Cashed Up By Then, Trotter focuses on Gareth Morgan's self-interested tax regime but only one idea of mine - for New Zealand to trash the minimum wage and allow in 400,000 Filipino men and women to do jobs that New Zealanders don't like or won't do because of a bloated welfare state and an entitlement mentality.

Funnily enough, Trotter may dismiss this idea, but who on earth will business employ to live in the hell of the Mckenzie Basin to look after 18,000 productive cows?

Those currently unemployed? Long-term unemployed? Or foreign labourers?

Trotter thinks employing domestic help is part of "an uninhibited neoliberal imagination utterly unencumbered by anything so economically unproductive as ethical qualms" (wtf?). If so then so are Hong Kong, Singapore and more importantly China.

Trotter is then left gasping in the uneviable position of stating the Chinese are as far to the right as I am as in my piece on 2025 I ignored Australia as a benchmark and used China, India and "emerging nations". In Asia, domestic help is not a "fantasy", it's as natural as welfarism currently is in New Zealand. These ideas are not deemed to be "genuinely radical right-wing thinking" and the Philippines as a country runs on remittances from overseas. Actually it was Ferdinand Marcos who encouraged the export of his own people and Filipino women working overseas have relative economic power compared to those in their homeland through being the main breadwinners.

They don't slave away. And I can tell Trotter I have more compassion than the Chinese towards maids. Unlike the locals, I don't mind if mine uses the air conditioner and has the television on while she works. I have been known to leave her bottled water on the bench and even give her a bonus at Chinese New Year. She is no slave and pockets her tax-free earnings very nicely thank you as well as her main employer providing her with a room. And people in Hong Kong do not sleep on cardboard boxes, there is public housing but also for those left over there is caged housing

In this very column Trotter sadly portrays the New Zealand psyche I discussed in my 2025 piece:

"New Zealanders with their third world snobbery would be shocked if they could actually see that China, India and other supposed "emerging Nations" are about to kick New Zealand's arse".

In a decade my piece of writing will not be so radical. Trotter knows that but fears it at the same time, which is why his discussion piece here. He wants the left to come up with their own "radical" ideas to counter.

Trotter though is yet to take a great leap into the unknown of lateral thought as he fails to see that New Zealanders will soon be effectively not just cheap exported labour to the British professions, but the domestic servants of those in Asia back in their own country.

* Inspired by legendary Jock Anderson NBR "subscriber only" headline style

The Cactus and Kryptonite*

I am allergic to Christmas. Seriously.



The slightest whiff of pine sends my allergies into a tailspin, right up there with those bloody God awful flowers called "lilies". Itching, scratching and puffiness known only to someone smashed in the face with a fist.

Everywhere in Hong Kong there are endless Christmas festivities and original pine trees.

a) where do they get the bloody pine trees from?
b) why do they feel the need to place them in workspaces and at function venues?

I sat on the top table right next to a pine tree last night. After downing three bottles of champagne and two Benadryl Allergy tablets I lasted the night famously. I was even pleasant to children.

Unfortunately in the morning I woke with the puffiest eye I have ever experienced. It took twenty of ice to get the bloody thing to a level I could see again.

Faced with a taxi to work and a wait in the lobby for one of the four lifts in front of the largest pine tree I have ever seen.

The only saving grace is our office Christmas tree is plastic with the cute little lights. Having had a major say in ridding the office of pine it is my Christmas free sanctuary in Hong Kong - home of a trillion pine trees.

Update - came home from work and now there is no escaping it. Inside the door, another fucking pine tree.

Seriously, where in Hong Kong do they get them from?

* Inspired by legendary Jock Anderson NBR "subscriber only" headline style

A Woman's Touch?*

Disgraceful

"A woman's touch proves box-office hit"

You see this is entirely what is wrong with New Zealand business and media.

Here is a person doing well and all the headline can focus on is their gender.

The article itself had nothing to do with Jane Hastings gender. It focused entirely on her achievements. And good on the author Gareth Vaughn for not stooping to that silly level.

That she is a woman is secondary to the fact she appears good at her job.

So what's with the Jock Anderson headline? Not really very cool.

* Inspired by legendary Jock Anderson NBR "subscriber only" headline style

Container Prisons For Cows?*

New Zealand dairying is going mass production at the Mackenzie Basin with an application for 18,000 cows to be housed in cubicles for 24 hours a day for eight months and 12 hours a day for four months.

So rather like container prisons for convicts, the cows are not restricted completely.

I have an unnatural amount of sympathy for the dairy cow. I look at them in the paddock, unprotected from nature, standing there come rain, hail and shine with their only protection a miserable tree in the corner of the paddock where they risk being struck by lightning or other acts of nature and tree.

Their whole purpose is to be impregnated by a bull who engages in random group sexual acts with the entire herd in a fashion only an NRL team could understand. If successful in conceiving then they have to every year for their natural life, give birth to a calf. They then are taken back into the herd and collected every day for a long walk to the cow shed where they suffer suction cups on their teats and are milked. Following this they are forced to walk back to another paddock where they eat, drink and do it all again tomorrow. They share a fenced paddock with the entire herd, perhaps in many cases over 400 cows a paddock. Their personal space is limited and they huddle up like 5 year olds on a rugby field. They get mud on their feet and are exposed to the elements.

Any systems failure such as inability to get pregnant, then the cow is shipped off to the freezing works to make nice fat juicy steaks. If a bull the chances of "bobby calf" run disintegration is even higher.

So tell me what really is the difference between this treatment and keeping the cow inside in a nice warm shed?

"Each cow will have its own cubicle to stand, sit and sleep. The floor of the cubicle is a thick rubber pad and the cows are free to enter and leave the cubicles at will and wander around the balance of the shed and feed as they require.

It is a toughie when you think about it, for as much as a human being can be against blanant battery farming for cows, there is always that thought deep down that the cow is not exactly treated well in the first instance as they stand in a paddock.

Homepaddock has her take on it. But the most interesting is from economist Eye 2 the long run:

I am then a little surprised that in the “cows in a cube farm” debate no one seems to be seeing that the very fact of having some dairy exports produced on pasture – the so called premium product many, including the well known behemoth, believe we are famous for, and some produced by more intensive means offers a great opportunity – if we are smart enough.

There is the opportunity to broaden the offering, differentiate the premium product, diversify a bit of product risk, produce a lower cost segmented product while reducing environmental impacts – all while increasing output massively.

God’s rather than the devil’s work one would have thought.

I've decided I quite like this school of thought and so support the proposal.

Of course John Key has come out strongly against it, because his advisors have judged it will be unpopular with namby pamby city folk.

The Prime Minister yesterday said the Government was against "factory farming" as it could have a negative impact on New Zealand's international free-range brand.

Silly Russell Norman has caused alarmist reaction with comments like:

"Once word gets out to overseas consumers that New Zealand butter comes from factory farms, there goes our competitive advantage."

It was a "chilling prospect" from an animal welfare and environmental perspective, Dr Norman said.

Have to say does it actually matter that butter is from a paddock where the cow faces the harsh elements or from a barn where the cow has restricted movement yet is free to roam inside? Does it taste better or worse? It is just butter for heaven's sake. I'm more worried that the damn butter is spreadable as a practical matter than if the cow has a roof over its head or not.

Clean, green farming? Hello, Key is off to Copenhagen to pander to environmentalists who claim that New Zealand's cows are causing harm to the tune of billions of dollars a year to a mythical concept that science is having an awful amount of trouble proving is actually true.

The cow has truly bolted on that.

* Inspired by legendary Jock Anderson NBR "subscriber only" headline style

Flog'em And Publish Their Names*

Here is a very bad example of incentivising losers.

$70,000 to help the worst children

The ministry yesterday announced five initiatives in a five-year, $45 million Positive Behaviour for Learning Action Plan.

The plan includes up to $70,000 of programmes for an "intensive wrap-around service" aimed at the 500 most troublesome children.

Quite what the deliverables on this spend are who knows? Looks like a bottomless pit for the middle class "behavioural experts", whanau support groups and the Treaty gravy train. It seems like throwing money at an old car when it is common sense to simply ditch the old car and buy a new one. Sad fact is that the 500 worst behaved children in New Zealand need nothing more and can having nothing more done than prescription meds to sedate them, a good thrashing at military training and exclusion from equally troubled parents. Instead they will get all the hugs they need from morons in the system who are milking this slush fund.

The reason this is a terrible mixed message is that there is absolutely no announcement of $45 million to help the 500 best behaved children in New Zealand. They are the ones that resources should be focusing on.

* Inspired by legendary Jock Anderson NBR "subscriber only" headline style

Sex, Money and Fiji*

Lads on ladders


I have a general interest in what happens in Fiji. For no other reason really than there are now direct flights on Air Pacific from Hong Kong so it may heighten my interest to visit more frequently.

Just returning from Fiji after a month of doing stuff all is an informant I will call "Bruce". Bruce is schooled in the art of doing nothing but watching, well and drinking and cavorting with his male and female friends (in differing ways of course). Bruce lives on an Island himself. Because every man IS an Island according to Bruce.

While swanning around Denerau as party of his trip, Bruce spoke to a few locals, sunk a great deal of piss and came up with these questions:

1. Why is it taking so long for people to realise Strategic Finance is rooted and the moratorium is of benefit only to Strategic Directors?

2. Why can't Korda Mentha Partner Grant Graham get the Hilton Denerau receivership sorted when he was already advising Bank of Scotland and Strategic before the dive?

3. How many visits with his lovely blonde assistant to the resort does he have to take? She is described around the traps as "far more rootable than the average accountant".

4. Or can he see through her fixed assets to his other duties as trustees to one of those interested in s.l.o.w outcomes?

5. So how is the moratorium getting along?

Come on lads, get off the piss and sort out the work. People are starting to talk past the massive diversion that is the clusterfuck of Hanover. I know it is hard to get a into gear when in paradise but I work a quarter the year in such pretty little places and you know the golden rule - work first, party later, everyone stays happy.

* Inspired by legendary Jock Anderson NBR "subscriber only" headline style

Where's Ricardo?

Well it's not only Ricardo who seems to be very busy this week, with Christmas parties in full swing it looks like even dear old Norrie's not getting much rest.

Those of you who have spotted that Ricardo has been far better behaved since coming under the watchful eye of Asian Invasion, are not wrong. My spies have the poor lad currently "dating" an ex SAS personal trainer for three times a week on weekday mornings. If Ricardo shows up hungover he is dutifully punished by the trainer who sports a booze nose like a sniffer dog.

Note the water where once was alcohol. and BFF Gilda K.



For girls and boys who wish to know Ricardo's skin secrets there are no botox enhancements which he describes as "very gay" and he never smiles in a photograph. The secret apparently is the Simunovich's Tebe range of extra virgin Olive Oil, where once it was used to sunbathe now it is used to restore. Ricardo also recommends the Olive hydrating mist for after-shaving. Ricardo has confided however that after a big night concealer can be placed under the eyes and a shave on Sunday night is required to cut back the necessary weekly growth so he isn't ID'ed at the door. *



Ricardo's only crime this week is wearing the SAME shirt to two events. A BIG no-no for the girls Ricardo. Even if again it comes from the House of Christian Audigier and is fitted for your pending sveltness.

And making a rare appearance on The A List is superstar lawyer Deborah Hollings QC. A lady who has more than likely had a bumper year dealing with negotiating the separations of those seen far too frequently out on The A List and not at home with their missus tending to matters back home. Deborah is sporting the very expensive here, but never fear she can afford it. And chin up to her clients. 2009 has been one of the cheapest years to break-up in living memory with those net asset calculations looking so thin.



And finally for the male readers, the gratuitous slutty "don't give up on Auckland because there are hot chicks" shot. Well this just looks like one really slutty couple. Props to that.

* More fashion tips from Ricardo next week.
All courtesy of the lovely Norrie at The A List

Hong Kong Blows Itself Up

Saturday night I went to the greatest show in town - the opening ceremony of the East Asian Games. A local sponsoring bank kindly invited me to a restaurant on the waterfront.

The what?

Yep, this miserably supported sports event in Hong Kong has barely raised headlines, I guess it is only natural that China will win every medal in sight. So to get Hong Kong people interested the organisers blasted around NZ $7 million of fireworks (that's cost price I imagine from Mother China) and laser lights around the Harbour.

The thing went on forever. Most New Zealand visitors are impressed enough with the lack of respect for preservation of electricity every night at 8pm when the corporate light show goes off. This ceremony went on for an hour and a half and made that look like a cow fart compared to the wastage of electricity, energy and gunpowder. It was pretty awesome.

Hong Kong may be ignoring the sports but there was no way you could ignore the opening ceremony. I give it a 10 out of 10 on the fireworks/laser light show and an 11/10 for a big f**k you leading into Carbonhagen!

Maorit or Merit?

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: xxx <maorilawsociety@lawsociety.org.nz>
Date: Fri, Nov 27, 2009 at xx:xx xx
Subject: Nominations for Maori Women on State Sector Boards
To: xxx

Tena koe,

The Ministry of Women's Affairs have requested nominations from Te Hunga Roia Maori o Aotearoa membership to identify Maori Women Directors who could be appointed to important state sector boards i.e. SOEs, CRIs and Crown Entity governance boards. Once nominations have been received, the Ministry of Women’s Affairs can then contact the identified women to register them with its Nominations Service, so the women can be put forward for these state sector board roles. The Ministry will also be liaising with other nominating agencies throughout this process.

Please find attached a list of criteria the Ministry of Women's affairs has identified as being important and a list of the relevant SOE's, CRI's and Crown Entities.

Please forward any nominations to Sonya Rimene at the Ministry of Women's Affairs (Rimene@mwa.govt.nz).

Noho ora mai
Te Hunga Roia Maori o Aotearoa

This email was received today in the in-box. The attachments follow

Criteria for Directors-051109

List of Crown Company and Crown Entity Boards-190609

So tell me first why the Ministry of Women's Affairs is recruiting Maori women into positions on State Sector Boards?

As I am not known for my ability to suck effectively off the government tit or off a Treaty Gravy train, I like many of you who are not living and dying in Wellington, will be surprised to learn that there is a nominating service and this forms a function of the Women's Affairs Ministry. Why can't a woman get off her backside and apply directly?

As a female I find it insulting to be pandered to as incapable of sorting out your own private business to even be motivated enough to apply for a position. Maori women should feel even more pandered to.

Next up tell me on what planet should someone with only SEVEN years postgraduate experience in law or accounting be appointed to a State Sector Board? In other words possibly under 30 years old. Completely ridiculous. Have a look at the current crop of MP's that age and you will quickly see the quality and experience that this criteria brings.

The criteria for directors published here is so damn low is it any wonder that State Sector Boards are full of flunkies. So is this a Maori only criteria, or applicable equally to say white middle aged males?

"The Ministry will also be liaising with other nominating agencies throughout this process". So does this mean the Ministry of Women's Affairs (and other nominating agencies) exercises an influence on promoting these candidates ahead of others based on merit?

The Ministry of Women's Affairs has a checklist for the criteria of suitability.

This checklist is a little less specific than the one for Maori.

The Ministry of Women's Affairs should just be disbanded, it is an embarrassment and for many more reasons than just this issue.

If they think the answer to equality for women is to have them waste their time on an SOE, CRI or Crown Entity governance boards then we have advanced to nowhere as a gender.

Successful people do not wake up in the morning and wish to be a director, let alone a director of an SOE, CRI or Crown Entity. They strive to build their own business by doing just that or saving their salary to go into business themselves or become shareholders of businesses.

Anna Woolf - Still Kicking But RIP

Not PC delivered us the very sad news today that Anna aka Annie has died.

Actually I received the news in a fashion Anna would have loved. Whaleoil sent me an email to my Blackberry with the subject header "Dead" and a link to Not PC's blog. Thanks Cam!

And Anna would have had it no other way. Direct and upfront. She drew the short-straw on life for sure but was always cheerful enough around others to make us as comfortable about her pending doom as possible.

I didn't return to work after Cam's email.

I sat with a new blog reading friend and drank all afternoon on Anna's behalf and hope that bloggers in Auckland front up to do likewise to raise their glasses and toast the bravest blogger of the lot. Regardless of what any of us do and say, she was #1 for facing her early death with such large doses of life and good humour.

Like most bloggers I met Anna just the once and at bloggers drinks. She was resigned to the fact she had little time left but was optimistic enough to tell me she was planning to make it to Hong Kong by the end of the year with friends.

Thanks to Peter, the Libz and all of Anna's friends for keeping us updated and again everyone's thoughts are with you all.

2025 - Be Cashed Up By Then

I've taken a fair bit of time to reflect on Don Brash's announcements from the 2025 Taskforce Report because the adult document was bloody boring. Go on admit it. I am not a reader of executive summaries or cut pasting the points with "Agree", "Absolutely", "Seems sensible" as does David Farrar, I want the whole of the moon and the moon was dull and not that radical.

To suggest that Alan Gibbs or ACT people wrote it is insulting to the ACT Party and its supporter in Chief. This is reform-lite.

As a backdrop I read a column at the weekend that was much more logical than the entire 2025 Taskforce Report. Strangely enough it written by Deborah Coddington. The country air is doing her some good. Coddington argues coherently that New Zealanders do not actually want to be better than average.

We really don't want to be uber-rich. We'd rather knock off at 6pm and enjoy a drink with our mates, play a game of beach cricket with the kids, or finish that deck we've been promising the wife for years.

This is not good, say the bean-counters, who call it New Zealand's "bach, boat and BMW" mentality, and "we settle for the good life rather than grow our businesses to their full potential".

She is dead on the money. Not saying many of you who read my blog will feel this way, but you are over achievers to even use a computer to find a blog through all the available porn sites. Yes, I believe most New Zealanders are bloody happy being average. So many of my otherwise sensible friends have "lifestyle plots" they do without to afford, "baches" and second hand BMW's or Mercedes. And think that's all there is out there for them.

John Key and Bill English's instant dismissal of the 2025 Taskforce Report before they could have even read it, kind of says they are happy with that as well and must have better ideas to catch Australia by 2025 which is their own goal. Considering Key's only idea seems to be build a cycleway and get boys faster porn, there must be a huge announcement package around the corner....or this is another diversion on his "Do-Nothing" Train to somewhere. Coddington says:

So we're not motivated by money, we avoid conflict, and we lack confidence in ourselves. I'd put a different spin on that. I'd say we have a generosity of spirit, we're peacemakers, and we don't brag.

Again she is right. But not about John Key personally, what we have as a PM is really John Key Business-Lite.

I guess that's why I moved overseas. Because I know that this Kiwi lifestyle is unsustainable at a personal level. I either have my foot right on the throttle and are gloriously making a truckload of cash enjoying each moment of it with poor sleeping patterns, excessive stress and massive amounts of expressive blogging, or with my foot off it completely on holiday, no blogging, or motivation where things usually turn pear-shaped and I have to spend the next month fixing what went wrong when I was away a week. There is no happy-medium.

There is no happy-medium for New Zealand either for while the foot comes off that throttle, other countries are competing and beating New Zealand.

And I am not talking about Australia.

New Zealand doesn't need a taskforce to beat Australia, it actually needs a taskforce to fend off India, China and much more motivated races of people who are climbing out of poverty with more motivation than any New Zealander would ever dream of possessing while remaining in New Zealand. The South Americans and Uruguayans who know how to farm and have cheaper labour, land and more motivation to succeed. The Chinese (and Russians) want to basically buy Fonterra and make New Zealanders their domestic servants.

They are our competition in the world. Forget Australia.

Because New Zealanders are not shocked enough by coming second to Australia, it's like coming second to your much bigger brother in an arm wrestle and we are all used to it on the sporting field in sports that actually matter. New Zealanders with their third world snobbery would be shocked if they could actually see that China, India and other supposed "emerging Nations" are about to kick New Zealand's arse. Brash uses the example of South Korea and Slovenia at pg 41 of the report.

New Zealanders fear failure much more than they are driven to succeed. They don't like looking stupid. But don't wish to stand out from the pack. That is New Zealanders would rather not lose than gloriously win and rub noses in success. Brash uses Coddington's "Boat, Bach, BMW" example at pg 45 of the report. Then dismisses it. Clearly he doesn't go to Coromandel during the holidays. It is also clear that Brash after dissing the Broadband plan at pg 117, doesn't surf the net and require faster porn.

For me the most radical part of the report is at pg 135 where the taskforce recommends ending the Zespri monopoly/monopsony. Brash being head of the former NZ Kiwifruit Authority.

With this all in mind, the 2025 Taskforce was disappointing from my viewpoint. There was nothing nearly radical enough to let us compete with the emerging Nations and keep our place as a first world nation. Such broad concepts as:

Welfare: Emerging Nations have no welfare. They have a huge amount of "working poor". People who will never own their own home, let alone get a mortgage. They let their own people live in poverty. No matter how wealthy China and India get, they will never be able to afford a comprehensive welfare state and they cannot afford these people to do something like vote for fear they will vote themselves an income. Neither can New Zealand however. New Zealand will have to get used to not being able to afford welfare for the middle and middle-lower classes. Welfare should only be allowed for genuine cases where people cannot work due to being intellectual handicapped or genuinely disabled. The "entitlement" mentality has to go. From politicians downwards (or upwards considering most are no better than expensive beneficiaries anyway).

New Zealanders think they are "better" than these Nations because we have an extensive welfare state. This is laughable when talking to Chinese people. They can't believe a country would be so stupid to pay people to not contribute.

State Housing: Emerging Nations do not let State House tenants live on their most expensive pieces of real estate. All New Zealand's current state housing stock sitting in prime real estate areas should be sold. All new State Housing should be built as far away from the central CBD as possible. There is no excuse for any State Housing for example in Auckland to be closer to the CBD than say Auckland Airport. Few of these people actually work so it is not like they have to get to jobs in the CBD at rush hour, and if they do there is no reason why they should live closer than someone who has to buy a house and cannot afford to live closer.

DPB: This needs to be abolished. Unless there are safety concerns ALL fathers should be named and levied directly for child support for their individual child. Any mother under the age of 25 should have her parents means tested for eligibility for the dole should the father not be able to pay. This would incorporate a true whanau concept to child-rearing and make parents responsible for their children's decisions where they could not afford the child themselves.

Taxes: Brash believes in taxes between 20-25%. This is a nonsense goal and kind of like Shane Bond being happy playing just one test this summer or the All Blacks beating the Wallabies once next year. In Hong Kong we pay half those rates after lovely deductions and sourcing of income. Chinese tax rates may look high but in reality very little is collected of those percentages. You tell a Hong Kong person they would be paying those rates and they would spit in your face. Lower all company, personal and trust tax rates towards 10%. Make individual rents paid tax deductible for those who do not own their own home.

Company Taxes: Abolish company tax for all new businesses set up in New Zealand employing more than 10 New Zealanders for 2 years including overseas companies that wish to move to New Zealand.

GST: Raise GST to 15%.

Minimum Wage: Emerging Nations have no minimum wage. Don Brash's report at page 128 and 129 failed to mention what New Zealand should be lowering the minimum wage for - so 400,000 Filipino male and female workers could be imported to do jobs that New Zealanders will not do, such as domestic servants, farm labourers and cleaners. There is no reason for a New Zealand woman in the year 2025 to be doing housework when a Filipina can do it better and for next to nothing. The New Zealand woman should be left to engage in gainful higher paid employment or enjoy her leisure time. A great happiness in my life is having a maid and cheaper domestic services than back in New Zealand. In fact, when all else is failing it is the maid concept that stops me from getting a one-way ticket home.

Superannuation: If I am not going to be receiving Superannuation then why the hell am I having to pay for it for the next 30 years? Superannuation needs to be abolished which will give people the clearest indication yet to take responsibility for their own savings. This in conjunction with a whopping tax cut makes it easier. For example try saving in Hong Kong where you have a large income and pay 6-7% real tax rate vs New Zealand where you are paying 38% + GST. Easy. But New Zealanders have no savings culture because a) they are taxed the bejesus out of interest through RWT and b) they have always relied on superannuation. Cut it.

Health: The world will soon have to face facts that it cannot afford to pay for treatments to assist in prolonging life. Cut all taxes on cigarettes and alcohol and make health a fault based scheme. If you smoke, drink your liver dry and are a fatty you have to wait behind everyone else for public healthcare. ACC should be abolished for a fault based system and everyone who can afford it should be told to get private insurance to pay for their healthcare. They can afford it with the tax cut given. Those who cannot would use the current public health system based on need with a priority given for healthy living, economically viable persons and those who could not help themselves such as the intellectually handicapped and genuine cases of disability.

Free G.P Visits - no they are not. How many unnecessary trips to the Doctor are made by people who receive the trips for free and have all day to sit around and wait? To the detriment of thoe working who have to pay and haven't all day to wait? Is there any evidence that New Zealanders health is improving with free GP visits? Or is it a warm fluffy that makes the middle classes sleep at night? You cannot give away for free a trip to a Doctor. There will always be excessive demand when anything is free. Surcharges need to be reintroduced.

Education: What halfwit system lets 17 and 18 year olds have interest free student loans? And tells Universities what fees they can charge for each course? Well, and offers students classes that will never assist them in making one more dollar of income? Full fee paying University with scholarships available to the top performers from High School. Public funding for Universities misalloactes resources from those who will never need to go, towards those as professionals who need to go. Never fear, as a professional you will quickly earn back all your full fee paying monies with limited taxation.

Government Spending: Why benchmark this to GDP? The more GDP this gives politicians the signal they can spend more. All unnecessary spending needs to be cut.

Mining: Yes please. Tell the Greens that mining is the price of their silly ETS.

Land, Stamp and Capital Tax: No capital gains tax, encourage the market to produce natural boom and bust outcomes as Brash notes, capital gains tax doesn't prevent housing from becoming unaffordable (Australia the best example). Land tax can be levied as in Hong Kong, farm land included. Stamp Duty on property and share sales levied. I worry about land tax however as it is an incentive for silly governments (ie. naturally New Zealand ones elected by the wider electorate) to keep the price and values of land high, therefore distorting the market.

But of course the "Do Nothing" option is far easier for John Key on the basis he doesn't wish to break election promises. Perhaps the first politician in history we WANT to break his election promises. Funny thing is that Key hasn't got as far in life as he has by doing nothing. It makes you wonder what the man wishes to achieve in Parliament. He doesn't look like a "lifer", so what's his game? Seriously. What is his point? He's making a right meal thus far from tax reform.

So Far.........

We have Brash's 2025 Taskforce and its extensive recommendations. We have seen the World's Luckiest Father - Mad Gareth Morgan explode lacking any discipline through the press and on TV3 with his Capital Tax proposal before the Tax Working Group of which he is a member of has even formally reported back. Stealing the entire thunder of the TWG Conference with his idea and self-interested platform. Speedo Weldon who is also on the Tax Working Group, state New Zealand needs to lower its corporate tax rate. Every fund manager and NZX related person in sight supporting taxing land and listings of SOE's.

It all reeks of each individual member soaking in their own area of self-interest to make their business grow faster.

So in all the mess and pulling in every direction, can Bill English and John Key mesh it all together in a coherent direction?

The answer is of course "hell no". Piecemeal reform doesn't work it has to be an "all in" or nothing approach. The Taskforce 2025 Report reads like that. You cannot cherry pick 10 ideas and use them effectively, you need the whole package.

Which is why the report is ultimately a failure. Even if the best 10 ideas were picked up and used, the net effect would be Unfinished Business II and the Pinkos blaming us when it all failed, which it will without the whole package of reform ideas.

In the meantime, for those of us wishing to get ahead of Australia by 2025 we need to forget the macro and focus on the micro, ourselves. Forget New Zealand and compete one on one with Australians for yourself. Even Bill English has come out and stated that it is "aspirational".

New Zealand politicians will have enough on their hands with the likes of China, Russia, India, Brazil and Uruguay.

Annie Fox - Still Kicking

Go To Not PC's site for updates on Anna Woolf aka Annie Fox who isn't doing the best now.

For those of you who had the pleasure of meeting Anna through the blogs I encourage you to all go leave a message for her consolidated on Not PC's site (no comments here - go do it there) so he can read them out to her tomorrow and hopefully Auckland blogger's drinks on Thursday which has been rescheduled to The Cavalier.

What: Auckland Bloggers Drinks
When: Thursday 3 December from 6.30pm
Where: The Cavalier, 68 College Hill Road, Ponsonby, Auckland

I won't be there but encourage you all to attend and if possible given the variables of the ill - get across the road to the Mercy Hospice to see Annie.

...............Would be nice to smuggle her in one last glass as well...................

Where's Ricardo?

I found Ricardo Simich this week where it is predictable he would be - The Wharf's birthday party.

Keeping the punters guessing Ricardo decided to show up in shabby jeans and a shirt that looks like it came from the bargain counter at The Warehouse fashion section. I mean seriously Ricardo, are straight NZ men giving you fashion tips? Come on you can dress yourself better than that!

And then again at Pony's 4th birthday party accessorising by snuggling up to BFF, Gilda K who displays more jewels than Amanda Hotchin in her shots. Unlike Mark and Amanda's jewels, Jimmy doesn't have charges over Gilda K's. Ricardo sports more Ed Hardy (Faith Gothic Print), guess he has a sponsorship deal with them because there is no other valid reason to debase his brand around town wearing Westie trucker shit so regularly. On the subject of the creation of the A-List it is worth remembering that last year June 2008 Pork Chop ran a feature of Auckland's IT people. Where she announced that Pearl Going was the next Gilda K for 2009. Gilda 2009? Wide-eyed newbie who's bringing a dose of Park Ave princess to Auckland with her own range of designer jeans and ethical handbags. Tres Tinsley. She's touted as pretender to the Gilda crown. Hmmm....at least when Gilda K. organises a party the guests leave happy, not confused and used. And Jimmy's remembered to put away all his Open Home signs! **All pics courtesy of lovely Norrie from The A List.